My job is making me dumb
The longer I stay at this job, the more stupid I feel.
I feel so exhausted all the time that I am not able to execute the things I have to do. I used to feel so competent, but lately I’ve just been feeling inadequate.
Like, there is no improvement.
I have ideas in my head on the actions that I could do to improve my work, my team, or upskill myself but I cannot do it. They just stay as ideas. Another item added to a never ending to-do list. Forgotten after being bumped by numerous more urgent things to do.
I feel so tired all the time that I cannot consume complex information, both at work and in my personal life. When there’s anything beyond the routine, I take it as a heavy task rather than an exciting challenge to do, unlike before.
In my personal time, I also am unable to absorb information more freely. That’s why I return to rewatching the same series or rereading the same books.
The other day, my boyfriend sent me this video of an Indian director talking about God and I could not consume any of it. I tried it three times, it just felt like the words were bouncing off my ears. Nothing was getting through my head. It was not me.
It’s not that I cannot process any new information at all, but if it is presented in a complex way, my brain refuses to chew it and dismisses it as a chore. When I’m presented with new information, it has to be light, bite-sized, consumable content.
I think my current brain capacity is more occupied with the thoughts of “I have so many things to do” versus actually doing the thing.
It’s hard to perform at a job you know you can do well but just don’t have the capacity for. No, it sucks. I’ve never not been praised at what I do. I’ve never not risen up to a challenge. Until now.
It’s hard to keep showing up and pushing through when your brain is screaming “Make it stop!” endlessly. I feel dumb for not performing at the same level as my colleagues. I feel like an impostor when my managers ask me what I’m doing. I feel like I’m letting my team down by not setting a better example. I feel dumb and start to question myself…
“Can I really do this?”
“Am I the best fit for this?”
“Is this all I’m going to do?”
“Will I not gain better skills?”
“Am I getting left behind?”
And after all the exhaustion, you stop caring. A job you once loved, you don’t care anymore. The drive to prove yourself, you don’t care anymore.
My exhaustion has manifested and spilled in different areas of myself and my life, in the end, it made me feel stupid.
I want to have some time to rest, reset, and think freely. To think beyond what it is I have to do today, tomorrow, and the day after. Maybe after giving myself some breathing room, I will be able to clearly see the next path forward and have the strength to walk it.